Never thought it would hurt THIS much... :'(

Dear Reader,
Have you ever felt left out...of everything??? I do...all the time!!! My friend Kikay is having a birthday party sleepover at a hotel in long island and I wasn't invited, yet polly, edward, sam, sarina, nicole, joanna, and joelle can go!? I don't really care that Joelle went, because I really wanted her to go and have fun. I told her this morning that I got over it, but I quickly realized that I really wasn't. I was busy all day so I forgot all about it. By mistake I called Joelle and I could hear all of them laughing and talking in the background and I just wanted to lay down and die...literally, I was slowly considering death as I was talking to Joelle. I started to cry when I was talking to her and my voice kept cracking. She realized that I was crying and she suddenly started to cry because I was. I felt in a way contempt to know that someone actually cared...people never care about me, I really don't know why, but I love everyone and care for everyone, even if I don't act like it. I make sure everyone is ok with the best of my power, but no one has ever returned the favor. It kind of confuses me, but still...I'm happy to know that there is at least 1 person looking out for me ^_^ LOVE YOU JOELLE!!! She's the best friend I've had in my entire life...I literally tell her everything, I'm not sure why, but I feel secure like nothing can hurt me when I'm hanging with her...like a kid does with it's mother...does that sound weird??? whatever, well it's true, in a way, she like a gaurdian angel, sielding me from harm, both emotional and physical. Thank you Joelle :)Even though I don't hate Kikay I feel deeply hurt, like a gaping hole is in my chest, like someone punched my straight through and left me to perish. I feel light-headed and my chest starts to hurt...my breaths get short and quick, my knees seem to buckle and my face has an emotionless expression on it, I feel...dead. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Sometimes I wonder what death is like...painful, peaceful, or is there and afterlife to wait for...so many questions but none of the answers. Sometimes I even wonder why I'm on the earth, I was a child that wasn't wanted, and my mom wanted a boy, I'm a girl. My sister hates me, my mom is always busy, I hate my step-dad and step-mom, my dad has money problems and is constantly in the hospital, my uncle just got out of jail and ended up back in, my other uncle also got out of jail and his wife cheated on him and then left him and took the kid too, my dads parents are dead, my other grandparents have barley any money, my great-grandmother is ill, my friends even talk behind my back, I'm constantly ignored, I feel like everyone hates me!!! I'm even starting to hate myself for being alive! I don't belong, no one wants me, I hate being alive, my only comfort is reading, writing and getting out of this hellhole people call their home, why can't I just die!? Kill me!!! I don't want to suffer any longer, I hate it here and I just want to drift off into a place where I can just be by myself forever and no one can hurt me ever again. Im sick of constantly not being able to fight my own battles, school, friends, family...I HATE EVERYONE!!! I JUST WANT TO DIE!!! SOMEONE PLEASE...just kill me.