Are friends really friends??? :/

Dear Reader,
I was in school yesterday and I looked into my friend, Kikay's bag and saw invites for her birthday party sleepover thing. Last year she had people sleepover in a hotel room that she rents for her birthday. A few days ago I overheard her talking to Klaudia, a friend of both of ours about it. Today on the way home when we were walking together she and another friend of ours, Joelle were whispering and talking about it so I could hear it. They talked about it in the elevator on the way to drop off Kikay. When Kikay got out and me and Joelle were still in the elevator on the way out of the building I asked her if she was invited to Kikay's birthday...already knowing the obvious answer and I felt crushed when she answered so giddy and then she asked,"Why? Didn't you?" I felt a hole get punched through my gut and the answer shot out of me,"Um...I'm not." I start tearing and then my vision gets blurry, I can't stop myself this time,my emotions, feelings, worries, stress, all my horrible feelings are all be thrusted out of my being and it's consuming me until I'm this fragile little helpless girl who feels pain, the wanting of love, hope, bravery and who I truly am, a weak little girl who can't control her feelings anymore. It hurts to know that someone is actually seeing me like this...so vunerable and it hurts to know that I won't be there when they are all having fun together laughing and joking and giggling and deep down I really DO care for once, I feel so alone in the world. Like no one can even fathom all the crap I'm going through, all at one time, all my emotion is pouring out of me like a fireworks being shot into the night sky, except they look so bright and amazing, I'm this weakling that's always being hurt by others and can't stand her ground. I feel a soft spot deep in my core telling me to hold on...just hold on, look up, look up, always be looking upward!!!! My emotions stop all at once, my tears dry, and my face has an emotionless expression spread across it. I've locked away my feelings inside...deep inside, where no one can get to them ever again, so I can't be hurt, so I can't love anyone, so I don't care what other people think of me, so I can focus on other things...more important things like school work and being with my family(even though they aren't exactly the perfect family). I lock my feelings away so deep within me, as not to care for anyone but me, myself, and I. Do people actually love each other? Or do they just say that to say it, or is it just a feeling that feels weird so we just call it "love"? Are friends really friends...or are they just an excuse to have someone to be with when your lonely? It seems that way sometimes...actually most of the time. I never want to be hurt again...I've locked up my feelings and emotions, now nothing can hurt me. People say life is worth living..is it? Is it really? I've already given up on life...but I still have hope for DEATH...

-Ms. Grim Reaper (my emo emotion)